Jens Jörgensen, 15 August 2025
The Telegraph Multiverse Bureau Seeks Interdimensional Journalist
Location: This version of London, but your desk will exist simultaneously in at least three other Londons (one made entirely of scones).
Salary: Competitive… in several timelines, one of which still uses seashells.
Hours: When news happens, when it hasn’t happened yet, and when it never happens at all.
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About Us:
The Telegraph Multiverse Bureau is the UK’s premier* source of news from realities that you have never heard of and cannot prove exist. We deliver breaking stories from Universe 14-B (“The One Where Cats Run the Railways”), Universe 73-Q (“Everyone Has the Head of a Cabbage”), and occasionally Universe Prime (this one, reluctantly).
*Premier in at least two realities. In this one we’re… respectable-ish.
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The Role:
We are looking for someone who can…
• File urgent front-page stories such as “King Charles Declares War on The Moon” and “England Wins Eurovision for 87th Year in a Row.”
• Translate alien press releases into Queen’s English without losing nuance or the smell.
• Conduct interviews with alternate versions of Boris Johnson, some of whom are aquatic.
• Fact-check events that may not have occurred in this dimension but feel emotionally true.
• Write in a style that will make perfect sense to readers in Universe 92-A but confuse the living daylights out of everyone here (bonus if you can do this intentionally).
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Requirements:
• At least 3 years’ experience in journalism, creative writing, or prophetic dream interpretation.
• Comfort with paradoxes, plot holes, and contradictory editorial instructions from your own future self.
• Ability to remain calm when a story breaks in another universe and you have to physically break into that universe.
• Familiarity with The Telegraph’s house style: start serious, end slightly baffling.
• Understanding that while your articles may appear here, your true readership is out there — in the Telegraph Multiverse, where they will finally understand you.
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Perks of the Job:
• A company-issue Interdimensional Oyster Card.
• Coffee machine capable of producing beverages from 500 realities (try the “Molten Jupiter Latte” at your own risk).
• Access to the Archive of Infinite Headlines, including classics like:
• “Queen Victoria Wins Olympic Pole Vault”
• “Britain to Be Relocated for Better Weather”
• “Economy Boosted by Discovery of Infinite Cheese”
• Chance to work with Gerald, our psychic pigeon editor.
• Annual team-building trip to the Timeline Where Everyone Is Nice to Journalists.
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How to Apply:
Send your CV, three multiverse-friendly writing samples, and a 500-word feature explaining why in Universe 88-Y, everyone is legally required to marry a teapot by age 30. Applications sent in sealed time capsules preferred, but email is fine if the capsule is unavailable.
Closing Date: Before the heat death of the universe, preferably.
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